What Parents Need to Know

Happily, the majority of children whose parents divorce do not have significant issues that require seeking professional help. However, more children of divorce do experience a greater number of problems than children of intact families. This knowledge can help parents stay tuned in -- to recognize when children need assistance.

The most current research studies indicate that children's experiences from the divorce of their parents depends a great deal on the following five factors:

First, it only makes sense that a child, just like a parent, will encounter many new life stressors, including less stability due to changes in relationships, economic status, residence, schools, and child care.

Secondly, children of divorce typically experience more difficulty if they suffer the loss of a parent. The physical absence of the parent, or at least the loss of more frequent contact, can hurt a child deeply. Certainly economics change. But more importantly, parents may not realize everything that they provide for the child emotionally, or what their child especially depends upon, from each parent. Children learn very unique things from each of their parents, and they need their involvement.

Thirdly, a child's success in adapting can hinge on the parents' ability to adjust to the restructuring of the family. If the parents are able to maneuver through the typical stages of loss and grieving to reach a place of forgiveness and acceptance, the child will typically follow. However, if the parent has an unusually hard time meeting these challenges, both parent and child may suffer, unless they ask for help. When a parent fails to adjust and move on to a satisfactory new life, there is greater risk that a child can be alienated in some manner from the other parent.

A fourth issue, persistent high inter-parental conflict is particularly devastating to a child. Although conflict is normal in families, when a child is exposed to frequent, high hostility or strife between the parents, it can be extremely hurtful and long lasting. Parents who truly love their children are often completely unaware of the harmful effects that their ongoing battles have upon the children.

The last factor, parental competence, is another key to a child's successful growth and development. It is vital for the parent, not the child, to be in charge. In an effort to ease the pain of the divorce, some parents have a tendency to overcompensate by giving in to the child. They become too lenient or lax in setting and enforcing family rules and consequences.

Heightened awareness can help identify resources to help you and your child. The important thing is to make use of these resources, if you decide they are needed.