Parents on the Seesaw:
Up and Down

Let’s face it. As rewarding as it can be, parenting is a very tough job, even when things are going well. Few would disagree that the responsibilities of parenting are huge, but who can predict the added weight of financial and emotional struggles from separation or divorce. For approximately a year, it is very normal to have a series of ups and downs, before feeling more balanced. After divorce, parenting becomes even more challenging since communication between the parents is not usually very fluid or friendly. Unless the parents are doing an awesome job, the likelihood of misunderstanding increases. With misunderstanding, the gap tends to widen, because the usual supports are not there anymore.

It is awfully hard to parent well when you are still in a lot of pain or feel fearful about the future. When children need you the most, it can be the hardest time to really be there for them.

A parent’s daily worries and preoccupations can easily overshadow the little things that matter to a child. When parents walk through the door after a tiring day at work, they will miss that look of anticipation on their child’s face.

Sometimes parents can forget how important they are to a child. Children have a more desperate need to connect with their parents after a divorce, because their world has already been bounced and shaken. They need to be certain that their life has no new surprises, that they are still loved. To children, parents are their heroes and role models who show them how to live in the world, and to survive.

Children need a lot of important things from their parents in order to survive. Certainly, food, shelter, and protection are some of the basic needs. But kids need for their parents to provide love, encouragement, a sense of security, guidance, and support when things go wrong. And they need for their parents to teach them through their example, about values, and about being fair and decent people. Parents teach kids how to grow up, how to be responsible and accountable, to handle disappointment and make the most of a situation. Parents teach their kids how to bounce back and that "the show must go on".

Kids are also deeply affected by the parents’ fighting. They look to their parents to show them how to deal with losses and to adjust to life’s disappointments.

So how can you be there and do the job, when you are hurting? Obviously, you have to find ways to take care of yourself first, so that both you and your child get what you need. There are wonderful resources that can make the difference.